Don't worry, a delightful squib named Filch isn't going to come grimace at you. Although, you might feel alarmed that someone who locks a few specific things up as much as I do is posting my feelers in a public venue. (Normally it's just rage at things outside of my control.) I think it's because I'm sitting alone behind a computer, so the full gravity of what I'm doing is SO NOT being felt. And I don't really have any friends locally, so I haven't hugged anyone or been hugged in a month. And if you know me, you know that that is really not good for my emotional health.
Here goes nothing, one topic at a time:
1. My fish is dying. And this really, truly makes me sad. He was $3.99 plus tax, and I've only known him for two days, but it makes me want to cry that he won't move, or eat anything. He's deathly afraid of humans. Truthfully I'd like to stomp on the toes of every large chain pet store worker, because CLEARLY they don't care anything about the lives they hold in their hands. Animals aren't people, but they sure as hell deserve to be treated well if we're going to do them the injustice of domesticating them.
2. (You can skip this part if you want. You can skip any part, because it probably will make you feel uncomfortable. At least, I'm uncomfortable, so I assume you are. Seriously. Don't depress yourself if you don't want to.) I'm horrible at being Mormon. Heck, I'm horrible at being a God-respecting religious person. I love swearing, and coffee, and short-ish skirts, and various forms of sexual activity. It's probably good that no one wants to date me, because I'd be headed down a very scary path right now. I wanted multiple piercings and tattoos for a while.
I start bawling, against my will, either visibly or mentally, at nearly every church meeting, because I KNOW everything I need to be doing, and I know how good it feels when I'm on track, but it is SO HARD. I'm crying over a YouTube video right now, like seriously. The three years I spent telling myself I didn't believe in God were the worst years of my life, even though circumstantially I had it way harder after that. It kills me a little bit inside to see people who are just GOOD at being religious. They freaking glow, all the time. I wish I could do that. I wish I had people here my age who would be there when I want to do something stupid, like I had in other places, and tell me it's not worth it. (Paisley, I miss you.)
3. I'm an ambivert, so this TOTAL being by myself thing isn't working so well. My introverted side was very happy being by myself for a while, but I miss having friends around. As such, I'm very excited to figure out where I'm going to college so I can just settle into that routine. Don't get me wrong, though, I'm glad I moved, overall. I needed my life a little less stressful. And I'd be much more satisfied being alone if I could get my dang life in order (see point 2).
4. I have no idea what I'm doing with the next 3-4 years of my life. The schools I want to go to are financially or physically out of reach. I can't visit PSU or UH Manoa to see if they're worth the money, because I have no money. I can't go to UW, because it'd be $40,000 a year, despite the fact that I'd be an honors engineering student at one of the best schools in the country. My top choice, BYUH, was the only one out of 8 schools I applied to that rejected me. None of the honors colleges rejected me, even, and I have huge scholarships to almost all of them. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE??
I'm thinking about working on an organic farm for a year in HI, and figuring out what I'm doing from there, because I haven't gotten "the feeling" yet. I've visited schools, and none of them have been right for me, like everyone else seems to be finding. It has made it very clear to me, though, that I'm going to work my butt off to go to the med school I want to go to, regardless of cost, and that I'm going to use my huge psychiatrist paycheck to save for my kids' college educations. Helping them after they've done their best isn't enabling them, it's keeping from disabling them with several thousand in student loans when they're just starting off.
Speaking of which, I also want to step on the toes of whoever sets tuition rates at colleges nowadays. Why is education a commodity to be bought and sold, rather than a gift given by society to renew itself? THE KIDS GOING TO COLLEGE NOW ARE GOING TO RULE AMERICA IN A DECADE OR TWO. They will be in charge of social security, taxes, welfare, every other aspect of our societal framework. We can't have highly intelligent kids crippled by debt just because they aren't a member of the economic elite. GET A CLUE, USA. So much for the American dream.
5. I'm done venting to you now, internet folks. I hope that made you feel better about yourself. It always makes me feel better about myself when I see other people also feeling crummy. That's probably a terrible thing, but hey, I too am a victim of the state of nature. Because I am a lady of action, I (from this moment) am now going to think of things to be grateful for, and ways to fix these problems. Also, if you read all that, congratulations. You are a truly gracious and selfless person. Now go hug somebody, and have an awesome life, and tell me all your problems when you need to.
Coming Soon: Gratitude with a Can-Do Attitude
Love,
Moriah
